Is there something wrong with me?
The short answer is no. Comparing ourselves with other people increases our anxiety and makes us believe that we are not normal. It doesn’t matter what our body is like, or what our sex life is like, it’s how we relate to it. Emily Nagoski talks in her book “Come as you are” about acceptance, brakes, acceleration, and contexts. She says people feel desire differently. And sometimes it’s not even the lack of desire, but the things that hold it back. Like worrying that something’s wrong with you.
A woman can be perfectly normal and healthy and yet not feel a spontaneous sexual desire. However, she may feel a reactive desire to manifest only in a strongly eroticized context.
Reasons why I no longer feel sexual desire
Stress, lack of intimacy or simply dirty dishes can be a powerful brake on some people, while for others they become an acceleration, using sex as a deterrent. We are all different, so some may have weak brakes and strong acceleration, while others may have strong brakes and poor acceleration. And that’s okay, we’re all built differently. You will not see two people living their intimacy in exactly the same way.
What can I do?
The latter case is more problematic, but it does not mean that there is nothing to do about it. To begin with, you can remove the things that press on the brakes. If the problem is that you haven’t had a shower, the dishes aren’t washed, you still have to study for an exam and the child doesn’t want to sleep, it’s hard to find the energy to think about intimacy. If intimacy is still a priority for you and you want it (you, not society’s expectations), try to find a solution to all the problems that are holding back. Doesn’t the desire come yet? Then you need to press the accelerator. Think about the things you like and put them in practice. Do you like to be romantic, drink red wine and be comforted? Do all this, awaken your senses, get in touch with your own body. The desire will come.
The central message of the book is “you are normal.” These simple words can reduce anxiety, help you lift your foot off the brakes and accelerate. Create contexts in which you feel safe and love yourself as you are. Whatever problem you are facing, from lack of desire to pain or orgasm difficulty, these are just body messages that want to tell you to get to know yourself better, learn what you like and accept yourself as you are. . I highly recommend this book if you want to learn how sexuality works and how to understand and accept your authenticity.